The Story of Jonah

Hozier says in his song Francesca “My life was a storm, since I was born” and then later says “If someone asked me at the end; I’ll tell them put me back in it.” & this is true for me. This is going to be a very vulnerable, raw, honest, and heart centered post. Rooted in my heart with my spirit team guiding me, I am telling you the story that has been begging to come out for sometime now. This may trigger you. This may wake you up. This may inspire you. But, if you’re reading this you are supposed to.

Here’s my tale of remembrance of the divine mission and many assignments that I came to fulfill on Earth at this time.

I came into this timeline charged and ready to take on my assignments. You see, my mother had a huge task, a big soul purpose to be the woman that broke the “generational curse” that has traveled through my lineage for so long. She was meant to be a joyous love spreading light, a leader in New Earth. However, the human experience is so much more challenging when we are actually in it. She was not able to extract the wisdom from the lessons being presented to her while also carrying the weight of those that came before. That and with infiltration from a being working against the light, it became very clear that she would need assistance to get back on the path and remember. My ancient soul carrying angel DNA, dragon DNA, so much wisdom from my many previous lives took on this assignment to guide her back to her path and mission, as well as to fulfill my own divine mission.

What is my divine mission? I am here to guide individuals back to their soul path and I have been doing this since I was born. I am the graduation level after you have walked through the school we call life. I am here to help you shed all the layers of trauma, of programs, everything that you came in with or picked up during this human experience that is not your true pure authentic expression. I am here to help you process, heal, and clear it all away, to extract the wisdom from it, to integrate the lessons for your soul’s expansion. I am here to remind you of your power. I am here to connect you back to your soul connection. I am here to help you awaken to your divine remembrance. I am your guide on your journey back to your most pure authentic true self.

I was born into a storm. A tornado. A hurricane. An earthquake. I’ve been in survival mode since my first breath. From before birth, a hex was cast from the being working against the light that I mentioned above. I was born with two attachments. A succubus and an incubus. This hex was intended for my mother but was cast when she was pregnant with me. All apart of the divine plan, I took this on. My mother would not have survived with these two attachments. As I’m typing this a memory of me telling my mother about me ”eating the dark things in her belly” flashed through.

Sometimes a soul will choose a challenging life in order to accelerate its spiritual progress, or as an act of love to help others going through a difficult time. I chose this life for both. Going through all of this, learning all these lessons, clearing all this karma, breaking the generational curses, being the light that my mother and many others needed, all so I can integrate and extract this wisdom to be at my highest potential and step into my purpose as early as possible. And here I am just before 30 years old, stepping into that role. Just in perfect divine timing as it was all divinely planned.

Now, it should be said that I was not aware of anything mentioned above until my most recent grand awakening in 2020 and the years to follow with help from deep inner work and healing. I did know that I was born into a hard life. I did know that my mother was not capable of being a mother. I did know that I had a bigger purpose and connection to SOMETHING. Although, I did not remember what or why or who I truly was. As we enter into this human experience, our memory gets “wiped”. If we come in remembering what our mission is, there’s a greater chance that we miss out on what needs to be learned. Yes, we come in with a big mission and purpose, but along the way we are also clearing karma, expanding our soul, going through all these trails and tribulations for one reason or another. It is all significant. It is all necessary. It all leads to the same. This school is all for our soul’s expansion. Right now, at this point in time, in this timeline, we are needed here for Earth. Earth’s vibration needs to be elevated. This is why you have most likely been hearing about New Earth. This is why you have most likely been feeling the urge to dive deeper into who you are and why you’re here. The souls on Earth right now in this time were carefully selected. There are no coincidences.

Having the awareness and remembrance that I do now, it all makes sense. Every single thing. All of it played out exactly how it was supposed to. It’s truly incredible how the soul integrates in the human experience and how we are able to be guided by our soul even without realizing or knowing. My whole life I followed my intuition. I had this wisdom and knowledge that I didn’t know how I had. My whole life I have been connected. Being the gifted and advanced kid, being the friend that everyone went to for advice, being independent, always walking my own path. It was divinely guided. Even during my ”disconnected” period, I was connected. Truly incredible. We are never alone. We are never abandoned.

So with all of this preface, let’s get into it.

I have been a “mother” for as long as I remember. One of my earliest memories is being about 3 or so and basically telling my mom to get her shit together. Like I mentioned above, I came in ready to get this shit done so that we could move to the next level. Another early memory is of my mom’s husband at the time putting a bar of soap in my mouth as punishment and me biting it in half and spitting it at him. The reason I was being punished was because I was standing up for my mom. Again, at a very early age, maybe 4 or 5. I had always been my mother’s mother and protector. Which eventually evolved into being my mother’s and brother’s mother and protector.

I was always taking care of everyone else. My own needs never really being acknowledged. This was not something I had even been aware of as it had always been that way. I have always taken care of everyone without really taking care of myself. I was always speaking up for others when they were afraid to speak up for themselves or when they were being treated poorly. I was a voice for the voiceless. I never did that for myself. When things happened to me, I never spoke up.

Through out my childhood, I had a lot of unexplainable things happen to me. Some being pretty scary. I would see bloody statues of Mary Magdalene coming out of the ground. I would be followed by an entity that you can google “hat man” to see what it looked like. I would hear voices. I would see blood dripping from the walls. I could sense when someone had bad intentions and I was never wrong. I could ease someone’s pain by placing my hand where the pain was and imagine it going away. I would have dreams that were premonitions that typically always happened. My mom always said that I was psychic. Although I never really paid her any mind or would consider myself psychic. She had said that she would find me as a baby communicating with things she couldn’t see. The scary stuff I know now was due to the attachments that I had. The rest were my own intuitive abilities.

There were a lot of lessons that I learned as a child. There were a lot of burdens my mother handed off to me. I had been sexually assaulted at a very young age while another adult watched it happen. By the time I was 12, I was hyper-independent; I was carrying guilt and shame; I had became hyper-sexual. When I was 12, I felt that I was 25.

Ages 12-16 were extremely challenging. This is when my mother’s behavior became a downward spiral. This is when I had to step into the mother role for my brothers even more so. My mother was almost never around. She was always putting her boyfriends or husbands at the time before us. She let them treat us however they wanted to. Regardless of how awful they were. She wouldn’t come home some nights with no notes or phone calls. As a teen, this produced deep feelings of resentment towards her, neglect, and abandonment. This is where my mother wound really started to form.

I got my first job at 13. At one point, I was working full time overnight and then getting off work and going to high school. By the time I was 15, I was a certified nurses aid on track to becoming a LVN. This was through a nursing school program my high school provided to students. I took this not because I wanted to become a nurse but because it was good money to be able to take care of my brothers. I moved out on my own at 16 close to 17.

I want there to be no judgment while reading this. Everyone involved was only doing, acting, and behaving as best they could with their level of awareness and consciousness. Everything played out exactly as it was supposed to. Remember, I chose to go through all of this early in life to step into my role as a mentor and guide as soon as I could. That meant big lessons had to be lived early.

At age 12, I was introduced to an incredible angel who would later present me with an opportunity to repeat my mother’s path or start the process of ending the cycles that have gone on in my family line for so long. We were in school together and had almost every class together. The first thing he ever said to me was “You’re going to be the woman I marry” then he never said anything for months. The next thing he said to me in passing, as he was leaving the school bathroom and I was heading in, was that he just watched his father die the night before.

Now, it may seem strange to tell someone who you do not know at all that information, but this is normal to me. Strangers tell me very vulnerable things and always have. I have a gift of taking darkness and heaviness and transmuting it just by being in conversation.

From that moment forward, we were inseparable. We became best friends very quickly and within a year turned into lovers. I wouldn’t say this was a “first love” situation because it was much deeper than that on a soul level. We both recognized that we had a bigger purpose and connection to something greater than what we were at the time. This was not a soul mate or a twin flame or a trauma bond or whatever kind of label you want to put on it. This was a contract between two souls that was to be fulfilled. We both brought each other what we needed at that time. We both survived pretty heavy stuff and having each other helped to cope and process it all.

At age 16, I decided to part ways with this individual because I knew if I hadn’t I would be repeating my mother’s cycle. Pregnant as a teen in an unhealthy relationship in an unhealthy environment. A year later and he became a father with another individual. I don’t want to deem this as my first toxic relationship because we were both kids and didn’t know any better but I did go through a lot of emotional and sometimes sexual abuse in this relationship. Exiting myself from this was the first step to breaking the patterns. He later passed at 21 due to an overdose which led me to holding a lot of guilt for not being there for him. I felt that I had an obligation to take care of him although this was not true but at the time felt to be true.

From this point on, I found myself in a cycle of taking in “strays”, “lost puppies”. Getting into relationships with partners who needed a lot of healing. A lot of the partners I attracted had mother wounds, deep inner child wounds, there was a lot of codependency. I encountered a lot of wounded masculine energy which created this conclusion around men. That all men were wounded and projected those wounds causing a lot of hurt and pain. I felt very strongly that men were no good. All I had ever seen from my own relationships and watching my mother’s was bad. I felt very strongly that men were not needed. This I know now is not true. These relationships were all reflections of my internal and my mother’s internal.

We attract reflections of what is going on in our inner world. The external reflects the internal. The same lesson will show up over and over again with a new face until you decide to make the change. The relationships we find ourselves in, at any capacity, are here to show us what needs to be healed within us. You want to start your healing journey but don’t know where to start; look at how others treat you, look at the relationships you maintain. Observe your external and you will see everything that you need to.

One thing that has always rang true about me is that I love Love and I love hard. I feel every emotion so intensely. As a child and teen this was overwhelming. Any feeling that was deemed “bad” or “negative” I would shove way down and not allow myself to feel it. This fed into the chaos that was my inner world at the time.

These past years that I have mentioned so far were challenging but also held some very good memories at the same time. Some more lighter things to mention; I love to sing. All through my childhood and teen years, I would sing at talent shows and in school musicals. I remember starting a girl band on the merry go round in elementary school and we would sing Jojo and all the 90s girl pop. I had a huge collection of porcelain fairies that I absolutely adored. I would write so much poetry and songs. My biggest aspiration as a child was to become a musician and a photographer. I loved taking photos and creating collages out of the photos I took. I absolutely loved everything about music since I could remember. I was a cheerleader and loved to dance. These years were so challenging but these things got me through with my inner guide and light pushing me forward. I always held hope. I was determined to get through. At this point in time, it did not feel like it would be hard forever.

By the time I was 19, I was living with the wound of inadequacy and overwhelm. I was holding a lot of guilt and shame, resentment, abandonment wounds, social anxiety, insecurity, and mother wounds. I was struggling with an eating disorder that developed in my early teen years. I had moved from Texas to Indiana, to North Carolina, and back to Texas. There were times when I would have sleep for dinner because I couldn’t afford groceries. My bank account was almost always in the negative. Life was very hard and yet I still had a light shining.

My intuitive abilities weren’t as strong at this time due to all the “gunk” I was housing. I still had a very strong meditation practice and that kept me connected. Again, to what? I did not know. The wound of inadequacy started to take control during this time.

At 20, I was engaged to be married. This relationship, we could say, was unfulfilling. Rather than an equal partnership, it was more so a mother-child type of relationship. I was teaching this individual how to be an adult. I would go to work, then go home. That was it. I had my meditation practice but not much else. I wasn’t creating, I wasn’t singing, I wasn’t dancing. The things that brought me joy, I no longer had energy for. Being in survival mode for so long really starts to take a toll. This relationship helped to get me out on my own on steadier ground and showed me what I did not want. I didn’t want the average life. Get married, have kids, work, die. It helped to remind me that I came here for much more than that. Although, this time was a nice break from the extreme chaos that had once been my life and that would once again be my life, I wasn’t meant to stay there any longer.

This relationship was filled with lying and cheating on both accounts. I was often made to feel shame and rejection for wanting to be intimate. I know now that this had nothing to do with me but was this person dealing with their own wounds. I feel at one point we were only together because it was comfortable. By the end, we were really just roommates. That’s okay. We were brought together in the beginning because we both had things to teach each other and we did. Although this relationship ended and was a bit of a mess during the ending, it was needed for both of us to learn and evolve. Every single connection we are brought into is not by accident. It is all apart of the lessons we have to learn. Each individual we come across has something to teach us and vice versa.

I want to say before moving forward that while I have mentioned things that have been done to me, I am not a victim or a saint. Although for a while, I had lived as a victim of circumstance and in the victim mentality. I am not perfect. I have made “mistakes”. I have also done things that were not in the benefit of others. I have hurt others. I have been manipulative. I have been reckless with other’s emotions, heart, and wellbeing. I have done things that would be considered awful and mean. I acknowledge the role that I have played in my life in every moment and in every instance. I forgive myself and all the others. I hold no shame or guilt or regret. Getting to this point was a lot of work. It is not an easy task to hold yourself accountable, to let go of resentment, to forgive those who have hurt you and caused so much pain and to forgive yourself for doing the same. To be able to look yourself in the mirror and admit to yourself that you have also caused so much pain and hurt and played a role in your own suffering is a huge task and a huge feat. It is possible though. It is so freeing. We all deserve this freedom.

At 21, I crossed paths with an individual that helped to remind me of the creative being that I am. This individual sparked the fire inside of me to get back on my path. This is the start to the next chapter of deep karma clearing and generational curse breaking. Looking back now, I see how I was keeping a certain pattern going. A pattern I did not break until 2020. This pattern was of codependency and attracting wounded masculines that projected their wounds onto their partner, specifically in my case, deep mother wounds. This showed up in ways as abuse, narcissism, lying, cheating, and in the most subtle ways as using the other as a way to fill the void of their mother. Every single relationship that I attracted until 2020 were all reflections of this. Like my mother, I went from relationship, to relationship, to relationship. I never took time for myself. I never took time to properly assess what was happening. Everything was always moving so quickly.

It was a short 6 months before I entered into my “disconnection period”. This is what we will call it. In those 6 months, this individual and I provided each other with so much. For the first time in my life, I felt that it was okay to just be and to have fun. We meditated together, we created music, we shared poetry, and really dove into beautiful creative spaces together. We helped each other heal in various ways. For the first time in my life, I felt that I was being taken care of while also taking care of the other. I felt safe. These 6 months, though, brought in more alcohol into my life than before. So although I was healing, the alcohol kept me in those lower vibrations. I still had no money and eventually lost my car. This caused me to be even more codependent to this person.

I was presented with an opportunity. To continue this work in the light or dive into the darkness head on. At the time, I was not aware that this was what I was being presented with. The darkness looked so good. As it does, it knows just the right way to tempt you. The unhealed parts of me and the wound of inadequacy dove straight into that dark temptation. I honestly would not change a thing. Like I said, everything played out exactly as it should. Had I chose the light, I don’t think I would have the awareness, knowledge, and remembrance that I do now at this time. I feel I would not have been given important lessons that I needed to learn and experiences that I had to go through. So let’s head into the “disconnection period”.

Narcissism is said to be a disease that people carry that can’t be helped. I don’t believe that to be true. The women in my family have been victims of narcissism for so many generations. It stops with me. I looked narcissism in its eyes and deep into its being and faced it head on. It almost broke me. It tore me down but I stood up and fought back every single time. For five years, I endured narcissistic abuse. I was in this dark twisted dance. This ebb and flow of different storms. I let this narcissist bring me so low and to my absolute worst self. I fought and rose up from my own ashes. In doing so, I broke this generational pattern. I gained so much wisdom and strength. I helped to heal so many generations of trauma. Narcissism is the byproduct of deep inner child wounds. It is the wounds of violation, inadequacy, loss, and rejection all taking control. It is the scared inner child that has been neglected and abandoned crying out in fear for help. I now feel so much compassion for those who have to suffer with this and for those who get trapped in its web. It is something that can be healed but it is so deeply rooted. It is an not easy task to take on. It requires commitment. It is not something that you can heal for another. You can give and give and give to someone with narcissism but it will never be enough. Eventually you will be drained dry and tossed away. All to be made to feel that you were at fault. You can not love a narcissist to heal. You can only decide to love yourself more than them to not allow yourself to continue to be a toy.

The moment I locked eyes with this individual was like two magnets being drawn back together. In an instant we became inseparable. It all happened so fast. Our first “date” was a 3 day bender. Within 3 weeks, he was moving into my apartment. Within 3 months, the facade started to fade. After 3 years, I ran away to another state to get away from him and the storm that was my life.

Within the first year of this cycle, I developed an addiction to alcohol. The two attachments that had been living with me since birth started to show themselves in my reality on a physical level. My vibration was so low and I was so disconnected that they were finally able to take control. Still at this time, I was not aware that these were two attachments. They appeared at various bars and shows that we would play at. They even gifted the individual I was with a vinyl. When they showed up, I knew it wasn’t good energy but I was never heard or listened to. I’m feeling called to go into more details about these two in another post so this will be all that I say for now regarding them.

The first three years of this cycle was a shit show to say the least. There was so much that happened and so much that I endured. I experienced every type of abuse on just about every level. I was continuously being cheated on, manipulated, and lied to. My world was turned upside down and twisted around. Drugs got introduced and I found myself with a small cocaine addiction. I call this my “disconnection period” because I went deep into the lower realms. The only time I ever felt connected like I had before would be in brief moments during mushroom trips. I was living the “rock and roll lifestyle”. I was committed to making this individual’s dreams come true despite all the awful things that would be done to me. I was working 3 jobs, showing up to work drunk, or high, or tripping. I had no family. I had a couple friends that were the light in all this darkness for me but I still felt alone. I was surrounded by people who did not have good intentions. Everyday was a big party but when the party ended, I was to bear the brunt. I was always in trouble for just being me. I was forced to dim myself down, to not create, to not be me so I “didn’t steal the spotlight”. I was constantly being accused of outlandish things. So much in such a short period.

It’s hard to understand why someone stays in a situation that they know is not good for them when you haven’t been in that type of situation. When you are so wounded and low, that despite all the shit, when those brief good moments do happen they seem like the best thing ever. They keep you drawn in no matter how bad everything else is. It comes down to how much you truly love and care for yourself. When you’re at that space where are seeking externally for the love you want and need, even the smallest taste keeps you pulled in. For me, I had to go through all this. I had to break the generational curse. I had to learn the lessons. I had to become aware of these attachments. This was all apart of the plan. I am grateful for EVERY single second of it.

I felt that this was going to be life forever. For the first time ever, I could not see the light anymore. I could not continue on. I had asked a friend “Is this how it’s going to be forever?” They just looked at me with sad eyes. That response was what I needed to light that fire again. At 23, I packed all my belongings into my tiny Chevy Impala. While this individual was out of town at a show, I left for Idaho with less than $100 to my name. I would not live like this any longer.

The thing is when you start to choose your self and you start walking the path you are supposed to, the universe will support you in the most unexpected ways. I got to Idaho and got a job within two days. Later, getting a second job because with my nervous system in survival mode it only felt right. This second job was full of beautiful angels that I still cherish to this day.

For the first month being in Idaho, I was still in contact with the individual that I ran away from. Every night would end in screaming arguments over the phone. Then I realized, I didn’t have to deal with that. I blocked him on everything for about 5 months. In those five months, I developed beautiful connections with people who showed me genuine love and support. For the first time, I experienced true sisterhood and support that was not connected with alcohol or competition or drugs. I found myself writing poetry and making music with a beautiful soul. I was meditating and finding that connection to Source again. I was getting stable footing and finding my foundation. I was still drinking but had stopped using all drugs besides weed.

One drunken night, I called the individual I had ran away from and the cycle started again. I know now that the contract he and I had was not complete and that this was exactly what was supposed to happen. He proved over the next couple of months that he had changed and was different. He made promises that we could continue on with the dream that we both shared of traveling the world, playing music, making art. So after 7 or 8 months of separation, I drove back to Texas to get him. We spent three months traveling around Texas. In those three months, I could see that he wanted to change and that he was actively trying. There were times when I was tempted to drive back to Idaho without him but I never did. During this time, I agreed to stop drinking as much which drove me into a big depression as everything that was repressed started to surface.

We made our way back to Idaho and once we were there I noticed the energy shift. What once felt like a safe space, felt uncomfortable. We were living in my Chevy Impala unable to find housing. We lived in my car for about 5 months when we were given the opportunity to move to Los Angeles. It felt perfect because this is the place I had been trying to help this individual get to since we got together. Everything aligned for us to make this move and we did. The moment I entered this city, I knew I was supposed to be here. A deep inner knowing that was unknown.

The first year was good or at least tolerable compared to the way things had been before. At 25, late Spring of 2020, I had become pregnant. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until July 2020. In August of 2020, I had an abortion. This pregnancy brought out the old ways of this individual and I knew he would never truly change. It was a bit of a traumatic time for me but it is what catapulted me into my grand awakening. I started to receive messages and signs that it was time to leave this cycle. The lessons had been complete. I even remember seeing a video on TikTok that was so specific to my situation that completely shifted something in my being. It was like my angels and guides were speaking directly to me through this video. End of August 2020, it was a mutual agreement that we were better off apart from each other. February 2021, I was completely separated from that energy and finally in a safe space to dive deep into myself and commit to this path.

Making this commitment to self scared the two attachments that I had. They started showing up in awful violent ways when I would get into a meditative state. I went seeking for answers and found a botanica that provided me with all of them. I booked just a basic tarot reading because I was a bit skeptical and didn’t want to give too many details or be scammed. This reader knew everything. He knew things I had never told anyone. He knew that if I hadn’t left Texas I would have died. He knew I wasn’t in contact with my mother. Towards the end of the reading, he asked if I believed in hexes and curses. I said yes and he went into detail about how I had one put on me by a woman with long dark hair. I then went into detail about the two beings that I had been seeing in meditation and in my reality years back. He helped me to remove these attachments indefinitely.

Spring of 2021, I became Reiki Master certified and my gifts started to come online again. From 2021 to now, I have been completely committed to this spiritual path. I have dove into shadow work and have done so much inner work. Ages 25-28 were all committed to me. I was presented with opportunities to “prove” myself as the individual I said I was. Many of the same past lessons showed up with different faces as ways to “test” me to see if I truly learned the lesson. I have worked through the many layers of trauma and wounding. I have single handedly calmed my nervous system. I reached into the deepest parts of my being and ripped out all that was not in alignment with my highest timeline. I removed the wounds and extracted the wisdom.

From birth to 26 years old, I was living in a storm. I went through just about every thing. So many details and situations that weren’t mentioned here. I have struggled in just about every way. I have been abused in every way. I have been the cause of heartbreak and hurt. I have looked my demons in the face literally and metaphorically. I chose this path! I would not have changed a single thing.

I am now 29. My life is a dream. A lot of times I feel that I am floating. Often I find myself so overwhelmed with joy I can’t help but cry. I continue to work on myself to show up as best as I can. I have attracted a partner that supports me in every single way. A partner that has shown me that not all masculine are wounded. A partner and connection that in itself has brought me a lot of healing. I am now able to rest into my divine feminine energy. I have solid foundation. I have security and safety. I always have everything that I need and more. I went through everything I did, extracted the wisdom, integrated and now am ready to be of service.

If you are still here reading this, that’s incredible. This was a long post but it was necessary. If you get one thing from this let it be that you can get through anything. You would not be put in it if you were not capable of surviving it.

Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.

I am here when you are ready to come back home to yourself.